Friday, June 6, 2014

The Soirée Compendium

I do this thing in my apartment called soirée. It started because I found that, when I first moved to New York, I was hanging out with a single friend here or there. I wanted all of my friends to meet each other, and I wondered how to do that. If there was just a way I could get them all in one room...

So I had a party, duh. At first, soirée had no name; that is, I didn't really decide to make it "a thing" until a few of them down the line. Once I did decide to make it "a thing," though, I thought saying "I'm having a party" was just so...ugh. I mean, it's something everyone says. I decided to use the French word for party because that's just infinitely better, as most things in French are. I wanted to have the soirées often, but I realized I by no means had the money for that, so I decided to make them potluck instead. That way, there's enough food and beverahhhhges for everyone, because everyone's bringing something (hopefully). They started small, but have grown to a sort of monthly event that people ask me about: "When is the next soirée?" I love hosting people and seeing all of my friends meet each other and make friends. I'm often surprised that my original intention for the soirée seemed to work out so well. The soirée is, I've found, one of the ways I've been able to define myself in New York for myself; they've become part of my identity. 

One of the reasons soirée was so easy to do was the size of my apartment. It has a massive living room and dining space that, at times, have held thirty or more people, all relaxing and drinking and eating and getting to know each other. In a few weeks, I will move to a new apartment, which is utterly bittersweet--my building is going condo and I am being kicked out, but I hope that means I will be able to continue my New York story and my soirées in another, equally wonderful place. 

To celebrate the last soirée--in this apartment, anyway--that just happened a week or two ago, I've compiled all of my soiree invitations together. They start out rather tame, then get utterly ridiculous, as do their corresponding titles and images. I found as time wore on that I got more and more creative and sometimes more (hopefully hilariously) obnoxious (often vulgar and completely politically incorrect but, you know, for comedy and in good fun) with the invitations; it really became another creative writing exercise for me. Looking back at all of the invitations allows me another way to see the passage of time, how crazily and quickly it runs past (including series of roommates and apartment names.) Take a look below at the insanity that is my house once a month or so, and please forgive the misnumberings, as I'm sure there are many. Math has never been my thing, unless I'm counting karats. 

May 27, 2011: Potluck Extravaganza
Hellooooo darlings! This Friday we're having a potluck at Sweet Caroline (our apartment) and you're invited because we think you're fabulous, interesting, and very, very sexy. So if you're an old friend or it's about damn time we were new friends, we hope to see you Friday night at 8! 

Bring your friends, lovers, your friends' lovers and, most importantly, something delicious! The kitchen will certainly be available for use if you so desire. Write what you're bringing below so we can make sure there are no duplicates (and that we won't just be drinking our dinner...). If you have any questions, comments, concerns, or proposals of marriage, please feel free to ask.

Champagne kisses and caviar dreams, Us

August 13, 2011: One Year Anniversary Potluck Spectacular!
Hello darlings!

Join me as I celebrate my one year anniversary in New York, and because I think you're amazing and I really just feel like throwing a party in general!

On Saturday the 13th, bring a delicious treat, your friends, your lovers, your friends' lovers and more for an evening of pure delight--I mean, how could it not be if you're there? :)

Yes, I will be making my world-famous baked brie, along with roasted vegetables and probably a pasta dish of some kind. As always, the kitchen will be available for use if you need it. Write what you're bringing below!

If you have any questions, comments, concerns, or proposals of marriage, feel free to ask away!

Champagne kisses and caviar dreams,

October 7, 2011: Soirée! The Third
Hello kittens!

Yes, the time is upon us yet again for another S
oirée! You know the drill: bring something delicious (other than yourself) and all the friends, lovers, and friends-of-lovers you like. Come soirée it up and be, you know, no different than a typical Friday night.

As always, if you have any questions, comments, concerns or proposals of marriage they will be eschewed with a firm hand. Or addressed. I haven't decided yet. Hope to see you there!

Champagne kisses and caviar dreams,

December 10, 2011: Yes, we are fabulous. Don't you want to Soirée with us?
Darlings, Soirée 4 is indeed upon us! This time we celebrate not only the coming holiday season, but the one-month anniversary of the arrival of Sweet Caroline's newest resident.

You know the drill, kittens--bring a treat of your choosing (edibles and libations are both happily welcome), as well as your friends, lovers, and friends of lovers. Elyssa's World Famous Baked Brie is on the menu, as always.

And again, if you have any questions, comments, concerns, or proposals of marriage, the answer is definitively no. Or just ask and we'll see.

Champagne kisses and caviar dreams,
The Ladies of 3E

January 21, 2012: Soirée the Fifth
Bonsoir, mesdames et messieurs! Soirée the Fifth is upon us, and you know what that means. Bring your gorgeous self (and your friends, lovers, and friends of lovers if you so desire), a delicious treat (solid or liquid), and your party face because we're going to soiree the night away. Oui? Oui.

Comments, questions, and concerns can be addressed to Her Majesty the Queen, c/o England. Or us. We might be too busy sipping Champagne, though, so we can't make any promises.

See you and your fabulousness then.

Us and our fabulousness
The Ladies of 3E

September 1, 2012: Soirée V: Return of the Soirée
Yes, ladies and gents, it's true: Soirée is back! Just in time to celebrate the arrival of fall (well, sort of...whatever, it's September, new beginnings, la di dah).

You know the drill--bring something delicious, other than yourself, as well as your friends, lovers, and friends of lovers. Show up being awesome, and be prepared to meet other equally awesome folk. I mean, it is a 3E party after all. We're tall and short and blonde and brunette and fabulous, we just attract these kinds of people.

So yeah, see you then, fools!
The Ladies of 3E

March 16, 2013: Soirée VI: Return of the Soirée, Part Deux


It has simply been far too long since we have seen your gorgeous faces and lithe, nubile bodies sprawled across our apartment all at once at various angles. So we invite you to return (or join us for the very first time!).

You know the S
oirée protocol: bring a treat of your choice (animal, vegetable, mineral, champagne, etc.) to share potluck style with le crowd. Also bring yourself. And your friends, lovers, friends of lovers, and so on. No large-scale firework displays, please. You know what happened last time.

We hope to see you there in all your radiant, effervescent glory. You really look great. Have you been working out?

Sincerely yours,
The Ladies of 3E
May 25, 2013: Soirée VII: What Happens on the Roof, Stays on the Roof

Yes, that's right: grab your sunglasses because the world famous Soirée is heading northward! And by northward, we mean the top of our building. You know, the roof. In case that wasn't clear.

We've got a delicious deck ready and waiting for your sinewy figures. Join us for some good ol' Vitamin D, not to mention yummy goodies courtesy of us and yourselves (you know Soiree policy--bring something tasty, besides yourself). We're starting early because day drinking is excellent, especially when it's (hopefully) warm and sunny out.

So yeah, see you there! Don't be lame or scared of the outdoors. I promise there will be no mountain lions. Though there may be cougars HEYO! Bring yo' frandz 'n' luvvvahhhz.

**CALL US when you get here so we can let you in! There's no buzzer on the roof because this is not The Four Seasons. Do they even have that there? Whatever.**

October 19, 2013: Soirée VII: C'est L'Automne, Mes Chiennes!

It's fall, my bitches!

(That's what the title means. In French. Clever, no? We know.)

It is our first official 
soirée as the Blue Banana Triad--see, that's us above!--so come into our home with your soirée face on, ready to lounge languorously on our furniture and contemplate the important matters of the day: Should Stephen do drag as a British woman? Will Jesse and Mildred elope to Hawaii? What is the likelihood of Elyssa breaking a limb once she starts skateboarding more regularly?

Come find out the answers to these questions and more, especially with your goodies in tow--not just your gorgeous face, but your potluck contributions. You remember how this thing works, don't make us remind you.

So yeah. S
oirée. Potluck. Bring your face, and the rest of you if you're so inclined. Friends, lovers, and friends' lovers are welcome, and our kitchen is at your disposal.

Okay? Okay. See you chiennes there. 

November 9, 2013: Soirée IX: There Will Be Champagne

Twenty-five years ago, there was an explosion of glitter in one of the operating rooms at Hollywood Memorial Hospital in Hollywood, Florida. The glitter was followed by a stream of feather boas, diamonds, and Veuve Cliquot. 

Somewhere in the universe a rift of fabulosity had opened and I was thrust into the world. Clad head to toe in Baby Dior (strangely, this part is not a joke), I made my way out into the world with a full head of brown hair and blue (yes, blue--they've since changed) eyes.

And now, in the midst of an endless parade of rhinestones and silk cocktail dresses, I have reached my twenty-fifth year of life upon this planet.

So you should come celebrate with me. Tres fabuleuse! <--I just made that word up. I can do whatever I want because it's my birthday.

There won't be Daniel Day Lewis and there won't be milkshakes (as far as I know) but there will be birthday cake and there will be champagne.

Bring your gorgeous face and your sinewy figure, dear loves of my life; your friends, lovers, friends of lovers are also welcome.

If you'd like something that's not birthday cake or champagne, you are more than welcome to bring it :)

(Was I laughing hysterically as I wrote this while sitting on my bed procrastinating from work? Yes.)

January 18, 2014: Soirée X: Year of the Degenerates
In case you're wondering, those are the Drapes, from John Waters' 1990 classic Cry-Baby.

Don your black leather jacket, or your metaphorical equivalent of one, anyway, and come on down to The Blue Banana, where morals come to take a nap.

The first rule of S
oirée? Well, it's not 'Don't talk about Soirée.' It's bring a goodie, or a bag full of 'em, or a bottle full of 'em, to share. Second rule of Soirée? Bring a friend or a lover or an aunt or an uncle, if you so desire--just make sure they're cool and don't mind a little debauchery and fine conversation, ya heard? We at The Blue Banana like to keep it klassy (the K is on purpose, thank you very much). And no, we're not entirely sure what we mean by that, either.

If you haven't started the year off right yet, now's your chance. Or maybe the day after...yeah, that might be better.

See your amazing faces there ;)

February 22, 2014: Soirée XI: U WANNA PUT WUT WHERE

It's February, so in the wake of all of the Valentine's garbahhhhhhge, we cordially invite you to not only 1) get tested, as the candy heart above so cheerfully suggests, but 2) come to our next soirée.

The Blue Banana will be ripe with leftover love and lust for you to revel in, like a good ol' Valentine's Day orgy. When did orgies go out of style, anyway? Ah, those were the days.

So come on over, bring a goodie (drinkable or eatable variety, or you know, whatever else), and bring yourself. Friends, lovers, friend/lovers, lover/friends are all welcome. Bonus points if you have a specific phrase for them that you use, with extra points for creativity. Examples: "This is my parole officer," "This is my manicurist," "This is my personal mixologist," etc.

So yeah. See you there. Try to leave your syphilis at home, but if you need to bring it, we understand.

Saturday, March 29: Soirée XII: Blue Banana, So Hot Right Now

This winter won't bloody end, so we're gonna bring the heat. In the form of you, our favorite supermodel. What?

Yeah, that's right, bring your best Blue Steel or Magnum (but leave those effing duck lips at home) and get ready for your closeup, Mr/Mrs/Miss/Ms/Mx/Sir/Lady Fierceness because the world and the Blue Banana are your runway. NOW PUT THE BASS IN YOUR WALK, COVER GIRL/BOY/BOI/ZE/PERSON. Or don't, whatever.

But there may or may not be a walk-off and/or a pose-off. Remember, a photographer lives here with two supermodels already and she is used to striking at any moment.

You know the rules of S
oirée: there are no rules! Ha jk, there totally are. Bring a deliciousness in the form of food or beverahhhhge and, in this instance, your smokin' hottness is absolutely required.

Get in, loser, we're going strutting.

...And then I actually can't post the last one because it's much too vulgar, but here is the image I used, as our Blue Banana send-off. Whew, this was a long one! Thanks bunches if you got this far :)